Resolutions

I wanted to say this before the frenzied urge to change began.  I started to think about this in November. Probably in the middle of some seemingly pressing life challenge that had me wishing for the early demise of the year.  The Universe packed a lot of lessons into this year. Thank the Gods, but enough already.  SO about resolutions.  I probably stopped making them when my bad habits were needed to combat my frustrations. 

Anyway, as I considered the end of 2009 and looked to 2010 with great expectation and excitement, I realized that there is one main thing I wanted to resolve once and for all.  This thing has been a comfort for most of my adult life especially when I considered the alternative. I have enjoyed this thing and used it successfully to excuse many manageable behaviors.  It helped me feel good, safe, coccooned in warmth and cradled in comfort.  Unfortunately, I have always been able to be an observer of my life as well as a participant.  In the mode of observer that I almost always return to, I've been able to see this thing for what it really is, a crutch.  A really valid excuse to ignore myself, a really good reason not to change.  I mean fear is real right? Feeling safe is important, right? 

Well, the thing that has challenged me is my weight.  As a person who has thrived through incest and rape, my weight was a great hiding place for me.  After all, no one would want a body that was this much overweight. I would have panic attacks when I lost significant weight. I would hear the tapes of former thoughts replayed in my mind....This was your fault; If you didn't look like that no one would've done this to you; You have no one else to blame but yourself; You made them do this;

Rationally I know that incest and rape have nothing to do with the person who is being attacked and everything to do with the attacker.  These are not sexual acts, but acts of violence.  I could not prevent what happened to me.  No matter how much I weigh now or then, if someone put their minds to attacking me, they would still come.  I also know that I was a child and this was not my fault.  As I say it again now, I can feel the truth and conviction of those words.  So, if I embrace the weight I am or work to change it, I now get to do that for me.  Not in reaction to something I've already forgiven but as a conscious choice.

I resolve to be free of that past.  I resolve to take the final steps in bringing that little girl out from the shadows and into the Light.  I resolve to be mindful of what I eat. I resolve to put myself first.  I resolve to move more. I resolve to be happy in my body. I resolve to be gentle with myself. I resolve to rest more. I resolve to take care of myself.  I resolve to ask for help when I need it. I resolve to be the best version of me.  I resolve to treat this temple that is my body with reverence.

So mote it be!