Friday, March 12, 2010


A very long time ago I wrote a piece with this same title, Changes. It spoke poetically about the impact of dissolving a marriage and walking away from everything.  It dissected the many things that changed when something like this occurred.  I was 21 at the time and walking away with my daughter and bulging suitcases telling my ex-husband a story about going on vacation and not wanting my mother to miss my daughter growing up.  I never returned.  My daughter was a year old at the time.  I remember the child that I was speaking those irrevocable words now and wonder where she got the nerve to revolt so vehemently against her situation that she was willing to leave it all behind and brave the unknown with a baby girl in tow.  How I wish for her gumption sometimes.

Twenty five years later, I find myself at yet another crossroad, looking to make a major change in the landscape of my life.  I merge the nerve of my younger self with the wisdom I've gained over the years.  There is much uncertainty as is expected with any major change but there is also excitement, expectation, and daring.  25 years later I still feel young as crazy as that seems.  From this vantage point, I can see the wisdom in that 21 year old as she too said enough and walked away from the familiar to the unknown.  Keeping my perspective has been an important aspect of my life's vision.  It helps me keep track of my steps. Perspective keeps me humble and helps me look at things from many different angles.  I don't always remember this.

That 21 year old married again, had another child, had many jobs, started her own business, wrote a book, deepened her spiritual awareness, became some of what she dreamed of becoming.  What's surprising to me now is that I still have so many new dreams to pursue, so many places I still want to see.  I still love to travel, learn new things, take chances.  I am at the point in my life now that I've seen enough, and done enough to know how fragile life really is.  I know that fighting for what I want is a lot harder than allowing myself to receive.  I know that as much as I've loved and have been loved, the deepest love affair I can ever have is the one I have with myself.  I know that the only constant in my life is that change is inevitable.  I know that I can start over at any time and that the things I'm comfortable with may be the price I pay for my new life.

At 46, changes look very different than they did to that 21 year old.  Life is very good.