Monday, September 7, 2009

The Wisest Part of Me

There must’ve been a part of me that knew
When first I stepped upon this path
That life would be an adventure
If I’d only open my heart

Someplace in me
Surely saw my kids
And knew they would be precious
No matter what I did

The wisest parts of me
Knew that I’d feel pain
And also knew that it would never
Outweigh the truths I’d gain

The divine in me surely knew
That I’d be plagued by doubt
Yet felt assured of my wisdom
As I sorted my life out

The wiser me that lives inside
Knew I’d learn to trust
The actions that I would take
When Spirit said I must

So here I am unsure again
Of what my next step should be
Consult I will as I always do
The wisest part of me


A friend and I were having a glass of wine yesterday and talking about our relationships. I am separated. At one time in this process, I would have said happily separated, having deluded myself into believing that somehow the dismantling of 17 years of marriage was over and I had moved on. Hah!! What a crock? 

It's been over a year and I have felt every emotion deeply, profoundly and more come to visit with me everyday. Right now I'm back to sadness; having passed anger, resentment and disbelief on the way. Somehow this sadness feels fresh and new and deep, as if the first visit was a dress rehearsal, now the real pain begins. Is that even possible? I have glimpses of happiness; moments so sweet that they well up and overtake me and i know that what I'm feeling is real and I drown myself in it. I let that moment wash over me like a wave and I am the beach receiving the bounty that it brings. What I find is that when I let myself enjoy those moments, the sadness is lessened. When I remember them as vividly as I do the faces of my children, I can get through the next stage. I can be hopeful, expectant even. I can allow myself to daydream and in my imaginings, I can see past the sadness, the disbelief, the disappointment, the anger and know that I will be happy again.