Monday, August 23, 2010

Maternity waiting room

My husband and I were sitting on the couch a few weeks ago.  I noticed how much food he was eating and how much he loved his cookies.  We were going back and forth with explanations for the changes in his eating habits.  I said to him, " I think you're pregnant". He wasn't that impressed with my assessment.  I said "you're giving birth to a new you".

As I thought about this later, I realized that maybe I was spot on.  Riverwalker press, one of the blogs I follow from time to time talked about this process.  The holding of tension as we patiently and actively wait for the changes in our lives to unfold and make manifest.  I view this process from the standpoint of having been pregnant and waiting through the months of my pregnancy in anticipation of the birth of my children.  I waited and it was anything but passive.  There were things to do while I waited.  I had to eat right, get lots of rest, drink water, make sure I had crackers for the upset stomachs.  As the pregnancy progressed, I had doctor appointments, ultrasounds, blood tests. As I got closer still to their births there were other things that needed to be done.  I bought a crib, bassinet, baby clothes, bottles.  I had a baby shower and my family participated in the preparation.

I can apply this process to anything that I'm working on.  Never once in my pregnancies with my children did I say, "I'm dreaming too big, this will never work", I never once doubted that my baby would be healthy even with my son the premie.  The vision in my mind was always of me holding them and of us doing things together.  I used to talk to my growing belly and tell them how much they were loved and wanted. What if we did the same with our dreams, our goals?  What if we held the vision of the outcome as a family does as they are expecting a child?  What if we never waiver and we stay committed?  I think that's what the process of manifesting is all about.  Declaring what we want to manifest and holding the vision of that outcome and nothing else.  What if we collect evidence of our successes instead of our failures?  What if we promise ourselves that if we do fail, we fail forward?  What if the birth of  the truest version of ourselves is really what life is all about?

I'm going to go and hang out in the maternity waiting room of my next birth. I'm going to remember to be expectant, to be excited, to do the things I need to do to be prepared.  I'm going to practice what it'll feel like when I finally give birth and I'm holding my precious manifestation in my hands.  I'm going to remember who I really am and what I'm really made of.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Does this help?

I know its been a while since I've shared.  A lot's happened.  I've been pondering the idea of enabling versus helping in many areas of my life.  It all came to a head when I re-read my Journal entry from 7/31/10. It said:

Is it arrogance to believe that I can help someone by removing the need for them to fend for themselves?  Do I force them off their path by doing for them what they must do for themselves?  If I truly believe in the divinity of all humanity, why then do I not trust that divinity?  Enabling someone is doing for them the things that they should do for themselves. helping, truly helping is offering support, encouragement, and reminding them of their own divinity, reminding them that they can do for themselves. 

So, see my dilemna.  I have spent the last several months asking myself, have I done this person a disservice? Should I leave them to figure things out for themselves?  Why do I feel I have to do anything?  Should I offer or wait to be asked?

This issue is coming in all areas of my personal and professional life.  As I take stock of my relationships and feel their impact, I have to question what is the stuff that keeps us together? Have I robbed my family and friends, business associates of their experiences by thinking that I am in some way responsible for them?  I know there was a time when I was much more selfish and self-focused.  I didn't help unless I was asked and only as much as I was truly willing to give without feeling resentful or put out.  somewhere along the line, there was a payoff for helping that feed me more and the more I felt I was doing the more resentful I became and the more dependent the people in my life became.  Now it has to stop.  It is OK to be selfish.  It is alright to think about myself first and take care of myself first.  It is OK to wait to be asked for help and not assume that the other person needs assistance.  I believe strongly in the divinity that lives in all humanity.  I believe that everyone has the power to do for themselves and the ability to ask for help.  Even a baby will cry out when they need something.

Does this help?

Friday, March 12, 2010


A very long time ago I wrote a piece with this same title, Changes. It spoke poetically about the impact of dissolving a marriage and walking away from everything.  It dissected the many things that changed when something like this occurred.  I was 21 at the time and walking away with my daughter and bulging suitcases telling my ex-husband a story about going on vacation and not wanting my mother to miss my daughter growing up.  I never returned.  My daughter was a year old at the time.  I remember the child that I was speaking those irrevocable words now and wonder where she got the nerve to revolt so vehemently against her situation that she was willing to leave it all behind and brave the unknown with a baby girl in tow.  How I wish for her gumption sometimes.

Twenty five years later, I find myself at yet another crossroad, looking to make a major change in the landscape of my life.  I merge the nerve of my younger self with the wisdom I've gained over the years.  There is much uncertainty as is expected with any major change but there is also excitement, expectation, and daring.  25 years later I still feel young as crazy as that seems.  From this vantage point, I can see the wisdom in that 21 year old as she too said enough and walked away from the familiar to the unknown.  Keeping my perspective has been an important aspect of my life's vision.  It helps me keep track of my steps. Perspective keeps me humble and helps me look at things from many different angles.  I don't always remember this.

That 21 year old married again, had another child, had many jobs, started her own business, wrote a book, deepened her spiritual awareness, became some of what she dreamed of becoming.  What's surprising to me now is that I still have so many new dreams to pursue, so many places I still want to see.  I still love to travel, learn new things, take chances.  I am at the point in my life now that I've seen enough, and done enough to know how fragile life really is.  I know that fighting for what I want is a lot harder than allowing myself to receive.  I know that as much as I've loved and have been loved, the deepest love affair I can ever have is the one I have with myself.  I know that the only constant in my life is that change is inevitable.  I know that I can start over at any time and that the things I'm comfortable with may be the price I pay for my new life.

At 46, changes look very different than they did to that 21 year old.  Life is very good.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


One of my best friends sent me a wall hanging a while ago, it said "peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."  It hangs in my office above my desk as a constant reminder. 

As I navigate the changes that my life presents, I have to remember to return to my place of peace.  As many times as I move away from that place I return to it.  Like coming home and settling into my favorite spot on my couch, my favorite book. 

What I'm learning, is that I don't have to leave my peace behind as though it was somehow separate from me. I can have it with me always as a choice I make no matter the circumstance, no make the facts or the thing that makes sense.  I can express rage, I can love passionately, I can hurt, I can experience my life from a backdrop of peace.  Peace has never been a passive state of mind. I don't know why I ever thought it to be so. Peace is fervent, earnest, joyfilled.

From a peaceful place, the stresses of life are minimized.  From a peaceful mindset, thoughts and feelings are clearer.  From a peaceful place, I stand in myself and in my truths, fearlessly.  From a peaceful place, I can hold myself in the space I choose and take conscious action instead of reacting.

I can see the difference in my life between practicing this and forgetting.  I am practicing more.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Charming Snake

As a consultant, I get to meet and spend time with a variety of different personalities.  As an observer, it's one of the many things I enjoy about what I do.

The other day, I called someone on behalf of a client and had the experience of meeting a very charming individual that I knew was fishing for free information.  We'll call him Bill.  Bill was very charming.  He asked all the "I'm interested in you" questions; dropped names of people we both know to make me feel connected, you know 6 degrees and all.  I watched, listened, and waited for some place that I could insert myself.  Nada....nothing...this guy was just on a roll (role).  Now the Consultant in me kept saying "time is money, what does he want? what's he looking for?" 

It was an interesting process to try and reconcile these warring factions.  On the one hand, I wanted to find out what he wanted from my client. On the other hand I had to make sure that I gave away enough to make him feel like we needed to take the next step and actually meet.  I kept wondering whether I would give too much away to my very charming snake making a face-to-face unnecessary.  Finally, he asked who I was and where did I fit into the project he was working on?  Then, he did something very surprising, he listened.  He understood.  He made sense.  Of course I knew that this was for his benefit and not necessarily for mine.  He was doing his job representing his client as I was representing mine.  We both had an objective. We both had a desired outcome.

The reason that this encounter is noteworthy for me was the methods that were employed for him to reach his goal.  There was no direct communication. He communicated via reference and intimidation.  Nothing was meant to be his own thoughts or his own position.  Instead, what I observed were put-downs, name dropping to gain validation and a feeble attempt to gain connection with me and establish some common goal.  As I hung up the phone, I wondered if I ever appeared so to anyone new I contacted.  I pride myself on being able to connect to people in a genuine way and I have employed some of the same techniques as my charmer (name dropping, past employers).  Do I also appear insincere?  Do I also leave a conversation with the person thinking "what was she up to?"  I hope not.  My charmer was an interesting mirror.  I wonder how many of my business conversation end with the person thinking 'she was a very charming snake'

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I wanted to say this before the frenzied urge to change began.  I started to think about this in November. Probably in the middle of some seemingly pressing life challenge that had me wishing for the early demise of the year.  The Universe packed a lot of lessons into this year. Thank the Gods, but enough already.  SO about resolutions.  I probably stopped making them when my bad habits were needed to combat my frustrations. 

Anyway, as I considered the end of 2009 and looked to 2010 with great expectation and excitement, I realized that there is one main thing I wanted to resolve once and for all.  This thing has been a comfort for most of my adult life especially when I considered the alternative. I have enjoyed this thing and used it successfully to excuse many manageable behaviors.  It helped me feel good, safe, coccooned in warmth and cradled in comfort.  Unfortunately, I have always been able to be an observer of my life as well as a participant.  In the mode of observer that I almost always return to, I've been able to see this thing for what it really is, a crutch.  A really valid excuse to ignore myself, a really good reason not to change.  I mean fear is real right? Feeling safe is important, right? 

Well, the thing that has challenged me is my weight.  As a person who has thrived through incest and rape, my weight was a great hiding place for me.  After all, no one would want a body that was this much overweight. I would have panic attacks when I lost significant weight. I would hear the tapes of former thoughts replayed in my mind....This was your fault; If you didn't look like that no one would've done this to you; You have no one else to blame but yourself; You made them do this;

Rationally I know that incest and rape have nothing to do with the person who is being attacked and everything to do with the attacker.  These are not sexual acts, but acts of violence.  I could not prevent what happened to me.  No matter how much I weigh now or then, if someone put their minds to attacking me, they would still come.  I also know that I was a child and this was not my fault.  As I say it again now, I can feel the truth and conviction of those words.  So, if I embrace the weight I am or work to change it, I now get to do that for me.  Not in reaction to something I've already forgiven but as a conscious choice.

I resolve to be free of that past.  I resolve to take the final steps in bringing that little girl out from the shadows and into the Light.  I resolve to be mindful of what I eat. I resolve to put myself first.  I resolve to move more. I resolve to be happy in my body. I resolve to be gentle with myself. I resolve to rest more. I resolve to take care of myself.  I resolve to ask for help when I need it. I resolve to be the best version of me.  I resolve to treat this temple that is my body with reverence.

So mote it be!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Yule / Solstice

My community and I celebrated the Winter Solstice on Saturday night. The actual Solstice day is today and is the longest night.  After today, the days begin to once again grow longer.  This day is a celebration of the rebirth of the Sun and in Wiccan commnities, the celebration would include the lighting of fires, candles, dancing, drumming, chanting all in celebration of the Sun's gaining power over the darkness.

This time of year inspires introspection, evaluation and rumination.  It's a time to look at where the year has taken us and whether there is someplace else we may want to go.  We light fires for warmth against the cold as well as a symbol of the growing heat of the Sun.  Fire transforms all that it touches and is an important elelment to work with during this time.  We celebrate not only the growing light but we recognize that the darkness and cold are also important.  Without these times we get too caught up in the doing and busyness of life and forget to take stock, to go within. 

This celebration and subsequent introspection is a part of our religious practice as Wiccans. It is about moving in time with the pulls of Nature.  All else is asleep, why are we fussing?  The bear is long asleep in her cave.  The groundhog and rabbits are in their burrows well stocked for the needs of winter.  Yet, here we are busy.  As Americans unless our lives are centered around the seasons, we don't always take the time to notice their passing.  A farmer would, a beekeeper, anyone who works outdoors, anyone that drives for a living.  We tend to see the seasons in relation to the holidays and forget the natural world around us.  The trees have their winter coats on, as do the deer.  The seeming barrenness of the trees always reminds me of their bravery, their willingness to move with and surrender to Nature's urgings.

So, have a wonderful holiday season and embrace the gift that this time of introspection offers freely, willingly and without attachment.  Give yourself a gift of silence and time to truly reflect on what has passed, not to dwell on it but to learn from it and look forward to the New Year with expectancy, excitement.  Declare the year you want to have and allow yourself to have it.  Here's a hint:  if the lesson you glean from your introspection does not lighten your heart and put a smile on your face, you're doing it wrong....LOL.

Have a glorius Yuletide season!!  Enjoy the time of quiet.  Embrace the New Year with joy!!

Merry Yule!