A friend and I were having a glass of wine yesterday and talking about our relationships. I am separated. At one time in this process, I would have said happily separated, having deluded myself into believing that somehow the dismantling of 17 years of marriage was over and I had moved on. Hah!! What a crock?
It's been over a year and I have felt every emotion deeply, profoundly and more come to visit with me everyday. Right now I'm back to sadness; having passed anger, resentment and disbelief on the way. Somehow this sadness feels fresh and new and deep, as if the first visit was a dress rehearsal, now the real pain begins. Is that even possible? I have glimpses of happiness; moments so sweet that they well up and overtake me and i know that what I'm feeling is real and I drown myself in it. I let that moment wash over me like a wave and I am the beach receiving the bounty that it brings. What I find is that when I let myself enjoy those moments, the sadness is lessened. When I remember them as vividly as I do the faces of my children, I can get through the next stage. I can be hopeful, expectant even. I can allow myself to daydream and in my imaginings, I can see past the sadness, the disbelief, the disappointment, the anger and know that I will be happy again.