A very long time ago I wrote a piece with this same title, Changes. It spoke poetically about the impact of dissolving a marriage and walking away from everything. It dissected the many things that changed when something like this occurred. I was 21 at the time and walking away with my daughter and bulging suitcases telling my ex-husband a story about going on vacation and not wanting my mother to miss my daughter growing up. I never returned. My daughter was a year old at the time. I remember the child that I was speaking those irrevocable words now and wonder where she got the nerve to revolt so vehemently against her situation that she was willing to leave it all behind and brave the unknown with a baby girl in tow. How I wish for her gumption sometimes.
Twenty five years later, I find myself at yet another crossroad, looking to make a major change in the landscape of my life. I merge the nerve of my younger self with the wisdom I've gained over the years. There is much uncertainty as is expected with any major change but there is also excitement, expectation, and daring. 25 years later I still feel young as crazy as that seems. From this vantage point, I can see the wisdom in that 21 year old as she too said enough and walked away from the familiar to the unknown. Keeping my perspective has been an important aspect of my life's vision. It helps me keep track of my steps. Perspective keeps me humble and helps me look at things from many different angles. I don't always remember this.
That 21 year old married again, had another child, had many jobs, started her own business, wrote a book, deepened her spiritual awareness, became some of what she dreamed of becoming. What's surprising to me now is that I still have so many new dreams to pursue, so many places I still want to see. I still love to travel, learn new things, take chances. I am at the point in my life now that I've seen enough, and done enough to know how fragile life really is. I know that fighting for what I want is a lot harder than allowing myself to receive. I know that as much as I've loved and have been loved, the deepest love affair I can ever have is the one I have with myself. I know that the only constant in my life is that change is inevitable. I know that I can start over at any time and that the things I'm comfortable with may be the price I pay for my new life.
At 46, changes look very different than they did to that 21 year old. Life is very good.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Peace
One of my best friends sent me a wall hanging a while ago, it said "peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." It hangs in my office above my desk as a constant reminder.
As I navigate the changes that my life presents, I have to remember to return to my place of peace. As many times as I move away from that place I return to it. Like coming home and settling into my favorite spot on my couch, my favorite book.
What I'm learning, is that I don't have to leave my peace behind as though it was somehow separate from me. I can have it with me always as a choice I make no matter the circumstance, no make the facts or the thing that makes sense. I can express rage, I can love passionately, I can hurt, I can experience my life from a backdrop of peace. Peace has never been a passive state of mind. I don't know why I ever thought it to be so. Peace is fervent, earnest, joyfilled.
From a peaceful place, the stresses of life are minimized. From a peaceful mindset, thoughts and feelings are clearer. From a peaceful place, I stand in myself and in my truths, fearlessly. From a peaceful place, I can hold myself in the space I choose and take conscious action instead of reacting.
I can see the difference in my life between practicing this and forgetting. I am practicing more.
As I navigate the changes that my life presents, I have to remember to return to my place of peace. As many times as I move away from that place I return to it. Like coming home and settling into my favorite spot on my couch, my favorite book.
What I'm learning, is that I don't have to leave my peace behind as though it was somehow separate from me. I can have it with me always as a choice I make no matter the circumstance, no make the facts or the thing that makes sense. I can express rage, I can love passionately, I can hurt, I can experience my life from a backdrop of peace. Peace has never been a passive state of mind. I don't know why I ever thought it to be so. Peace is fervent, earnest, joyfilled.
From a peaceful place, the stresses of life are minimized. From a peaceful mindset, thoughts and feelings are clearer. From a peaceful place, I stand in myself and in my truths, fearlessly. From a peaceful place, I can hold myself in the space I choose and take conscious action instead of reacting.
I can see the difference in my life between practicing this and forgetting. I am practicing more.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Charming Snake
As a consultant, I get to meet and spend time with a variety of different personalities. As an observer, it's one of the many things I enjoy about what I do.
The other day, I called someone on behalf of a client and had the experience of meeting a very charming individual that I knew was fishing for free information. We'll call him Bill. Bill was very charming. He asked all the "I'm interested in you" questions; dropped names of people we both know to make me feel connected, you know 6 degrees and all. I watched, listened, and waited for some place that I could insert myself. Nada....nothing...this guy was just on a roll (role). Now the Consultant in me kept saying "time is money, what does he want? what's he looking for?"
It was an interesting process to try and reconcile these warring factions. On the one hand, I wanted to find out what he wanted from my client. On the other hand I had to make sure that I gave away enough to make him feel like we needed to take the next step and actually meet. I kept wondering whether I would give too much away to my very charming snake making a face-to-face unnecessary. Finally, he asked who I was and where did I fit into the project he was working on? Then, he did something very surprising, he listened. He understood. He made sense. Of course I knew that this was for his benefit and not necessarily for mine. He was doing his job representing his client as I was representing mine. We both had an objective. We both had a desired outcome.
The reason that this encounter is noteworthy for me was the methods that were employed for him to reach his goal. There was no direct communication. He communicated via reference and intimidation. Nothing was meant to be his own thoughts or his own position. Instead, what I observed were put-downs, name dropping to gain validation and a feeble attempt to gain connection with me and establish some common goal. As I hung up the phone, I wondered if I ever appeared so to anyone new I contacted. I pride myself on being able to connect to people in a genuine way and I have employed some of the same techniques as my charmer (name dropping, past employers). Do I also appear insincere? Do I also leave a conversation with the person thinking "what was she up to?" I hope not. My charmer was an interesting mirror. I wonder how many of my business conversation end with the person thinking 'she was a very charming snake'.
The other day, I called someone on behalf of a client and had the experience of meeting a very charming individual that I knew was fishing for free information. We'll call him Bill. Bill was very charming. He asked all the "I'm interested in you" questions; dropped names of people we both know to make me feel connected, you know 6 degrees and all. I watched, listened, and waited for some place that I could insert myself. Nada....nothing...this guy was just on a roll (role). Now the Consultant in me kept saying "time is money, what does he want? what's he looking for?"
It was an interesting process to try and reconcile these warring factions. On the one hand, I wanted to find out what he wanted from my client. On the other hand I had to make sure that I gave away enough to make him feel like we needed to take the next step and actually meet. I kept wondering whether I would give too much away to my very charming snake making a face-to-face unnecessary. Finally, he asked who I was and where did I fit into the project he was working on? Then, he did something very surprising, he listened. He understood. He made sense. Of course I knew that this was for his benefit and not necessarily for mine. He was doing his job representing his client as I was representing mine. We both had an objective. We both had a desired outcome.
The reason that this encounter is noteworthy for me was the methods that were employed for him to reach his goal. There was no direct communication. He communicated via reference and intimidation. Nothing was meant to be his own thoughts or his own position. Instead, what I observed were put-downs, name dropping to gain validation and a feeble attempt to gain connection with me and establish some common goal. As I hung up the phone, I wondered if I ever appeared so to anyone new I contacted. I pride myself on being able to connect to people in a genuine way and I have employed some of the same techniques as my charmer (name dropping, past employers). Do I also appear insincere? Do I also leave a conversation with the person thinking "what was she up to?" I hope not. My charmer was an interesting mirror. I wonder how many of my business conversation end with the person thinking 'she was a very charming snake'.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Resolutions
I wanted to say this before the frenzied urge to change began. I started to think about this in November. Probably in the middle of some seemingly pressing life challenge that had me wishing for the early demise of the year. The Universe packed a lot of lessons into this year. Thank the Gods, but enough already. SO about resolutions. I probably stopped making them when my bad habits were needed to combat my frustrations.
Anyway, as I considered the end of 2009 and looked to 2010 with great expectation and excitement, I realized that there is one main thing I wanted to resolve once and for all. This thing has been a comfort for most of my adult life especially when I considered the alternative. I have enjoyed this thing and used it successfully to excuse many manageable behaviors. It helped me feel good, safe, coccooned in warmth and cradled in comfort. Unfortunately, I have always been able to be an observer of my life as well as a participant. In the mode of observer that I almost always return to, I've been able to see this thing for what it really is, a crutch. A really valid excuse to ignore myself, a really good reason not to change. I mean fear is real right? Feeling safe is important, right?
Well, the thing that has challenged me is my weight. As a person who has thrived through incest and rape, my weight was a great hiding place for me. After all, no one would want a body that was this much overweight. I would have panic attacks when I lost significant weight. I would hear the tapes of former thoughts replayed in my mind....This was your fault; If you didn't look like that no one would've done this to you; You have no one else to blame but yourself; You made them do this;
Rationally I know that incest and rape have nothing to do with the person who is being attacked and everything to do with the attacker. These are not sexual acts, but acts of violence. I could not prevent what happened to me. No matter how much I weigh now or then, if someone put their minds to attacking me, they would still come. I also know that I was a child and this was not my fault. As I say it again now, I can feel the truth and conviction of those words. So, if I embrace the weight I am or work to change it, I now get to do that for me. Not in reaction to something I've already forgiven but as a conscious choice.
I resolve to be free of that past. I resolve to take the final steps in bringing that little girl out from the shadows and into the Light. I resolve to be mindful of what I eat. I resolve to put myself first. I resolve to move more. I resolve to be happy in my body. I resolve to be gentle with myself. I resolve to rest more. I resolve to take care of myself. I resolve to ask for help when I need it. I resolve to be the best version of me. I resolve to treat this temple that is my body with reverence.
So mote it be!
Anyway, as I considered the end of 2009 and looked to 2010 with great expectation and excitement, I realized that there is one main thing I wanted to resolve once and for all. This thing has been a comfort for most of my adult life especially when I considered the alternative. I have enjoyed this thing and used it successfully to excuse many manageable behaviors. It helped me feel good, safe, coccooned in warmth and cradled in comfort. Unfortunately, I have always been able to be an observer of my life as well as a participant. In the mode of observer that I almost always return to, I've been able to see this thing for what it really is, a crutch. A really valid excuse to ignore myself, a really good reason not to change. I mean fear is real right? Feeling safe is important, right?
Well, the thing that has challenged me is my weight. As a person who has thrived through incest and rape, my weight was a great hiding place for me. After all, no one would want a body that was this much overweight. I would have panic attacks when I lost significant weight. I would hear the tapes of former thoughts replayed in my mind....This was your fault; If you didn't look like that no one would've done this to you; You have no one else to blame but yourself; You made them do this;
Rationally I know that incest and rape have nothing to do with the person who is being attacked and everything to do with the attacker. These are not sexual acts, but acts of violence. I could not prevent what happened to me. No matter how much I weigh now or then, if someone put their minds to attacking me, they would still come. I also know that I was a child and this was not my fault. As I say it again now, I can feel the truth and conviction of those words. So, if I embrace the weight I am or work to change it, I now get to do that for me. Not in reaction to something I've already forgiven but as a conscious choice.
I resolve to be free of that past. I resolve to take the final steps in bringing that little girl out from the shadows and into the Light. I resolve to be mindful of what I eat. I resolve to put myself first. I resolve to move more. I resolve to be happy in my body. I resolve to be gentle with myself. I resolve to rest more. I resolve to take care of myself. I resolve to ask for help when I need it. I resolve to be the best version of me. I resolve to treat this temple that is my body with reverence.
So mote it be!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Yule / Solstice
My community and I celebrated the Winter Solstice on Saturday night. The actual Solstice day is today and is the longest night. After today, the days begin to once again grow longer. This day is a celebration of the rebirth of the Sun and in Wiccan commnities, the celebration would include the lighting of fires, candles, dancing, drumming, chanting all in celebration of the Sun's gaining power over the darkness.
This time of year inspires introspection, evaluation and rumination. It's a time to look at where the year has taken us and whether there is someplace else we may want to go. We light fires for warmth against the cold as well as a symbol of the growing heat of the Sun. Fire transforms all that it touches and is an important elelment to work with during this time. We celebrate not only the growing light but we recognize that the darkness and cold are also important. Without these times we get too caught up in the doing and busyness of life and forget to take stock, to go within.
This celebration and subsequent introspection is a part of our religious practice as Wiccans. It is about moving in time with the pulls of Nature. All else is asleep, why are we fussing? The bear is long asleep in her cave. The groundhog and rabbits are in their burrows well stocked for the needs of winter. Yet, here we are busy. As Americans unless our lives are centered around the seasons, we don't always take the time to notice their passing. A farmer would, a beekeeper, anyone who works outdoors, anyone that drives for a living. We tend to see the seasons in relation to the holidays and forget the natural world around us. The trees have their winter coats on, as do the deer. The seeming barrenness of the trees always reminds me of their bravery, their willingness to move with and surrender to Nature's urgings.
So, have a wonderful holiday season and embrace the gift that this time of introspection offers freely, willingly and without attachment. Give yourself a gift of silence and time to truly reflect on what has passed, not to dwell on it but to learn from it and look forward to the New Year with expectancy, excitement. Declare the year you want to have and allow yourself to have it. Here's a hint: if the lesson you glean from your introspection does not lighten your heart and put a smile on your face, you're doing it wrong....LOL.
Have a glorius Yuletide season!! Enjoy the time of quiet. Embrace the New Year with joy!!
Merry Yule!
This time of year inspires introspection, evaluation and rumination. It's a time to look at where the year has taken us and whether there is someplace else we may want to go. We light fires for warmth against the cold as well as a symbol of the growing heat of the Sun. Fire transforms all that it touches and is an important elelment to work with during this time. We celebrate not only the growing light but we recognize that the darkness and cold are also important. Without these times we get too caught up in the doing and busyness of life and forget to take stock, to go within.
This celebration and subsequent introspection is a part of our religious practice as Wiccans. It is about moving in time with the pulls of Nature. All else is asleep, why are we fussing? The bear is long asleep in her cave. The groundhog and rabbits are in their burrows well stocked for the needs of winter. Yet, here we are busy. As Americans unless our lives are centered around the seasons, we don't always take the time to notice their passing. A farmer would, a beekeeper, anyone who works outdoors, anyone that drives for a living. We tend to see the seasons in relation to the holidays and forget the natural world around us. The trees have their winter coats on, as do the deer. The seeming barrenness of the trees always reminds me of their bravery, their willingness to move with and surrender to Nature's urgings.
So, have a wonderful holiday season and embrace the gift that this time of introspection offers freely, willingly and without attachment. Give yourself a gift of silence and time to truly reflect on what has passed, not to dwell on it but to learn from it and look forward to the New Year with expectancy, excitement. Declare the year you want to have and allow yourself to have it. Here's a hint: if the lesson you glean from your introspection does not lighten your heart and put a smile on your face, you're doing it wrong....LOL.
Have a glorius Yuletide season!! Enjoy the time of quiet. Embrace the New Year with joy!!
Merry Yule!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Epitaph
I was talking today about the many people I've lost in the past 6 months. It was an interesting feeling to purposely remember them. A couple of them I had never met but I could empathize with my friends who lost their loved ones. I could remember what it felt like when it was me in abject disbelief that this person so full of life could be gone.
There are many beliefs about what happens when you die. Some say that we are lost forever and that our life is over, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Really? I don't know about that.
Some say that we are evaluated, judged by the divine who then decides whether our eternity will be spent in heaven or hell. Others have a belief in pergutory, a holding place that allows us to repent for our sins and be forgiven. That seems like punishment as well. I mean if I make mistake, shouldn't I be taught better?
As I mourn my friends and empathize with other friends about those we've lost, I have a hard time with any scenarios that doesn't lead to new life and bliss. I remember when Princess Di and Mother Theresa died, we were living in Brooklyn. I was sitting on my stoop saddened by these losses and an image came into my mind that persisted. I saw the Earth spinning away in Space surrounded in Light. The energies of the those that had crossed over were adding their energies to the collection of light beings supporting those of us left behind. I believe we do go everywhere all at once.
The limitations we allowed when we had bodies are released at the time of death and the magnificence of our souls explodes into everywhere.
I feel like those that have crossed over are still with me, inspiring me, protecting me, nudging me, letting me know I'm loved. For the ones that I knew personally, my memories of them come up at interesting times. Pouring a glass of wine in one of Rosemary's old glasses or wearing the hematite necklace that Barbara made for me. Sitting outside in the sun with Margaret having lunch. Ted taught me how to use the image of the dragon to call in the quarters before meditation and to meditate with them. They left an indelible mark on me. I can remember them and celebrate them. Whatever conflict there was in our relationship doesn't matter anymore.
There transition taught me that nothing matters but the next heart beat, the next breath and with each comes new opportunity, with each comes change and new perspective if we allow it.
So, the lesson in all this change is, why not now? I'll forgive you eventually so why not now? Why not allow the experience of bliss now? Why not allow the experience of joy, now? Why not love, hope, laugh, now? Why not smile now? Why not appreciate what I have now? There really is nothing worthy of our unhappiness. There really is nothing more important than our joy.
I know you're probably thinking that your situation is different, your anger is justified, your pain is different. What if it's not? What if my anger, pain, disappointment is just as real and significant as yours? What if I simply chose a different perspective? What if I just gave mine a different level of priority and made my happiness more important than my circumstance? What if I just looked at my life from the standpoint of my epitaph and asked myself how important is this really from that vantage point?
As I ponder the lives of those that crossed over, I know I haven't lost them really. They just get to be available to a lot more people and they are lending their energy to assist us with bodies to enjoy ourselves and be happy. I would prefer to imagine my loved ones this way. We really do live forever. Our bodies just wear out ever so often.
See you later Rosie, Margaret, Ted, Paul, Tina's brother, Edgar's brother, Barbara. Thanks for taking care of us.
There are many beliefs about what happens when you die. Some say that we are lost forever and that our life is over, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Really? I don't know about that.
Some say that we are evaluated, judged by the divine who then decides whether our eternity will be spent in heaven or hell. Others have a belief in pergutory, a holding place that allows us to repent for our sins and be forgiven. That seems like punishment as well. I mean if I make mistake, shouldn't I be taught better?
As I mourn my friends and empathize with other friends about those we've lost, I have a hard time with any scenarios that doesn't lead to new life and bliss. I remember when Princess Di and Mother Theresa died, we were living in Brooklyn. I was sitting on my stoop saddened by these losses and an image came into my mind that persisted. I saw the Earth spinning away in Space surrounded in Light. The energies of the those that had crossed over were adding their energies to the collection of light beings supporting those of us left behind. I believe we do go everywhere all at once.
The limitations we allowed when we had bodies are released at the time of death and the magnificence of our souls explodes into everywhere.
I feel like those that have crossed over are still with me, inspiring me, protecting me, nudging me, letting me know I'm loved. For the ones that I knew personally, my memories of them come up at interesting times. Pouring a glass of wine in one of Rosemary's old glasses or wearing the hematite necklace that Barbara made for me. Sitting outside in the sun with Margaret having lunch. Ted taught me how to use the image of the dragon to call in the quarters before meditation and to meditate with them. They left an indelible mark on me. I can remember them and celebrate them. Whatever conflict there was in our relationship doesn't matter anymore.
There transition taught me that nothing matters but the next heart beat, the next breath and with each comes new opportunity, with each comes change and new perspective if we allow it.
So, the lesson in all this change is, why not now? I'll forgive you eventually so why not now? Why not allow the experience of bliss now? Why not allow the experience of joy, now? Why not love, hope, laugh, now? Why not smile now? Why not appreciate what I have now? There really is nothing worthy of our unhappiness. There really is nothing more important than our joy.
I know you're probably thinking that your situation is different, your anger is justified, your pain is different. What if it's not? What if my anger, pain, disappointment is just as real and significant as yours? What if I simply chose a different perspective? What if I just gave mine a different level of priority and made my happiness more important than my circumstance? What if I just looked at my life from the standpoint of my epitaph and asked myself how important is this really from that vantage point?
As I ponder the lives of those that crossed over, I know I haven't lost them really. They just get to be available to a lot more people and they are lending their energy to assist us with bodies to enjoy ourselves and be happy. I would prefer to imagine my loved ones this way. We really do live forever. Our bodies just wear out ever so often.
See you later Rosie, Margaret, Ted, Paul, Tina's brother, Edgar's brother, Barbara. Thanks for taking care of us.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Watching
On my ex-husband’s 46th birthday, our daughter and her husband closed on their new apartment. I heard my head say “my little girl owns her own place.” I understood more now what that woman had said to me about how it feels to watch her daughter grow up and be a Mom.
I have been a watcher all my life. From watching my Father’s birds in their cage, I watched the fear in my Mother’s face the night he threatened to kick her up and heard it in her voice the night he brought me back from that adventure on the back of his bicycle.
I watched as my aunt was thrown into the mirror on her wardrobe by her husband and watched again when she retaliated by breaking a plate on his head. I watched as his blood stained the pillow. I watched too when she told her mother that she had thrown away her wedding ring and watched her dug up the yard to find it. I watched as Morris' body was driven away in a car never to walk me to the store again and watched again as his spirit came to visit me, all this before I was nine.
I watched as my mother’s husband molested and raped me and watched as my childhood receded. I watched as we lived our very high life and watched as friends walked away when the light of truth was shown. I watched as our lives crumbled and watched myself spin out of control. All before I was 14. I watched it all. Some things I remember, some I see on my movie screen as an outsider, an observer, separate. So many ways to feel; So many points of rage and sadness; so much time past.
New page, new day, my daughter gives me hope. She was the first right thing I had ever done in my life. She made up for all the pain. She is the reason I would not change the past because I’m afraid that I’d miss her and that whatever the ingredients were that went into her making would somehow be lost. I am here for her and now also for my son. They are my reason my why, my reward for this past. They give me hope. Would he be different if he weren’t a premie? Would he be as sensitive, as intuitive as caring? Would he remember the things he does, attract the people he draws to himself, be as loved as he is. I would be unrecognizable without them. They saved my life, gave me a reason to live when the hole in my soul threatened to consume me. I remember why and the why extends to the people I can touch with my work, to the people I impact in my job. I remember the rest of my family the ones born to different mothers. I pull myself from the ledge, have a good cry for myself and find someone to talk to. I remember how fortunate I am to have my circle and I am humbled in the presence of the Old Ones.
Surely now I can begin to look at myself. Surely now the path can turn within. Surely now I can take inventory of all that I have for my journey. I love and am loved in return. Love was never our problem.
I have been a watcher all my life. From watching my Father’s birds in their cage, I watched the fear in my Mother’s face the night he threatened to kick her up and heard it in her voice the night he brought me back from that adventure on the back of his bicycle.
I watched as my aunt was thrown into the mirror on her wardrobe by her husband and watched again when she retaliated by breaking a plate on his head. I watched as his blood stained the pillow. I watched too when she told her mother that she had thrown away her wedding ring and watched her dug up the yard to find it. I watched as Morris' body was driven away in a car never to walk me to the store again and watched again as his spirit came to visit me, all this before I was nine.
I watched as my mother’s husband molested and raped me and watched as my childhood receded. I watched as we lived our very high life and watched as friends walked away when the light of truth was shown. I watched as our lives crumbled and watched myself spin out of control. All before I was 14. I watched it all. Some things I remember, some I see on my movie screen as an outsider, an observer, separate. So many ways to feel; So many points of rage and sadness; so much time past.
New page, new day, my daughter gives me hope. She was the first right thing I had ever done in my life. She made up for all the pain. She is the reason I would not change the past because I’m afraid that I’d miss her and that whatever the ingredients were that went into her making would somehow be lost. I am here for her and now also for my son. They are my reason my why, my reward for this past. They give me hope. Would he be different if he weren’t a premie? Would he be as sensitive, as intuitive as caring? Would he remember the things he does, attract the people he draws to himself, be as loved as he is. I would be unrecognizable without them. They saved my life, gave me a reason to live when the hole in my soul threatened to consume me. I remember why and the why extends to the people I can touch with my work, to the people I impact in my job. I remember the rest of my family the ones born to different mothers. I pull myself from the ledge, have a good cry for myself and find someone to talk to. I remember how fortunate I am to have my circle and I am humbled in the presence of the Old Ones.
Surely now I can begin to look at myself. Surely now the path can turn within. Surely now I can take inventory of all that I have for my journey. I love and am loved in return. Love was never our problem.
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